Comparisons, Envy, Perception

We all basically start out like this right?

Beautiful little babies.

Or do we?  Nature vs. Nurture arguments commence.

Why do we spend our entire lives seeing how we measure up?

Who weighs less?  Because of course thinner is somehow better.
Who drives a nicer / newer car?
Who's kids were better behaved in church?
Who is prettier, more handsome, or cuter?  Enter "My Grandkids are cuter than yours" license plate frame.
Who makes more money?
Who got better grades?
Who's kids have better manners?
Who went to college?
Who has a bigger home?  In a nicer neighborhood?  Enter East side vs. West side.
Who's kids learned to read sooner?
Who's kids are better behaved?
Who's a better mom, dad, husband, wife, brother, sister, son, daughter, cousin, friend?  You get the point.
Who has a better marriage?
Who is kinder?
Who exercises vs. who "doesn't have time"?
Who budgets better?
Who is more compassionate?
Who has a cleaner house?
Who had a better upbringing?
Who is a more fun person?
Who got the best deal?
Who has suffered the biggest heartache or heartbreak?

Oh how the list could go on and on and on ... yeah .. you get the point.

Why do we spend our lives so worried about what other people think?  While it's nice to say you don't give a crap what other people think, who really truly doesn't give a crap?  Nobody likes anybody thinking something negative about them if it isn't true.  They say that so many people run the risk of painting a "too perfect life" through their blog life.  I think it's kind of true, because really who wants to air out their dirty laundry for all to see?  But we all have bad days and good days I think.

But when does it end?

As Jackson started kindergarten this year it's been a huge adjustment for us. In many ways it's a first for me.  Baylee's education was SO very different.  There weren't mountains of kindergarten homework. There was never any comparing her to the rest of the class.  This is all new territory.  There was "grading" but let's face it, it's pretty loose grading.  Her last report card was straight A's!  But she isn't doing what "normal" 8th graders are doing.  Jackson has very little interest in the academic side of kindergarten.  But the kid sure loves his recess and his friends.  But look, here I am comparing Baylee's educational experience to Jackson's.  It's what we do.  Compare everything.  It's hard not to compare apples to apples.  And as a result of comparing one thing to another it often results in Envy.  Not something people intentionally want to feel.  Often people will push such feelings out of their minds.  Because we know it's "wrong" to feel envy.  It isn't a positive feeling.  And how often have people thought to themselves (whether they say it out loud or not, or would even admit to it or not) but would think they would trade their own problem for someone elses any time.  Which leads up to Perception.  Our perception of other people.  Their lives.  Their problems.  Their successes.  Their failures.  You realize that a lot of the time our perception is wrong.  Yours and mine.

Who are we to judge each other?  People in glass houses ...

But really ... when does it end?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  As I get older it turns into:

Who's better prepared for their retirement?
Who's kids go to college?
Who's kids get better jobs?
Who has a better relationship with their parents?
Who paid their house off quicker?
Who gets to retire sooner?
Who's kids get married first?
Who's kids marriages succeed versus fail?
Who's kids grow up happy and well adjusted?
Who's kids end up in jail?  Please let it not be mine!

I swear it feels like it never ends.   At least not at the rate so many people are going.  It takes a conscious effort to not get caught up in the Comparison, Envy, Perception trap.  It's REALLY hard.  Because even when you think you aren't doing it to other people .. because you're working so hard not to.  Then you can't help but wonder whether they're doing it to you?  Assuming that people say things to "rub in" that they are somehow better than you are.  Sometimes people are just sharing something because they've been thinking about it.  Because they're excited about it.  As soon as I posted my last post about vacation I instantly wondered what "hidden meanings" people would draw from it.  There were no hidden messages.  I was literally updating my budget spreadsheet and thinking to myself how excited I am about our next vacation.  It's one of the ways that always makes me feel better about working full time.  That it means we get to do fun things like this with our kids.  It's these moments that help make it worth it. 

There are no hidden meanings in this post.  No pointing fingers.  Things are so much easier when they're this little.  Eat.  Sleep.  Poop.  But even then and for some people it isn't even THAT simple.

I was just thinking about this stuff this week.  How much I worry about these kinds of things sometimes and I just wish it was easy not to.  I read in this book the following, "When unhappiness or stress hovers overhead, rather than taking it all personally, you learn to treat them as if they were black clouds in the sky, and to observe them with friendly curiosity as they drift past."  Sounds so simple doesn't it.  Simply put, YOU are not your thoughts, you choose how you react to them.

May I give my kids the tools to handle Comparison, Envy and Perception well.  I hope I teach them how to cope with those things.  But I worry.  Three boys .. what if one is athletically gifted while another really struggles.  Some things will come easy .. others will not.

Horrified.

So last night after work I went out to the garage to sand my cabinets again.  I had the garage door open and Jackson was just outside playing.  At one point I saw him staring across the street into the cull de sac (so kind of far away).  So I looked to see what he was looking at and I barely made out a little boy standing on the lawn urinating.  YES .. URINATING.  Gross.  Jeramie is friendly with these neighbors, they have a little boy named Jackson the same age as our Jackson.  I assumed it was him.  So I continue on with my sanding while thinking about this little event.  How I wouldn't tell them I saw their son urinating on their front lawn.  I mean literally it was like one of those peeing statues, I could see the steady stream.  Sorry .. maybe TMI. 

But here I am thinking how I would die if someone saw my kid doing that.  But they're boys and boys do gross things .. a lot.  And as a mother to three boys I realize that I will not be immune to my boys doing gross and embarrassing things. 

Well next thing I know this boy is talking to Jackson in front of our house.  Turns out he isn't Jackson from across the street, he's this little boy that is visiting his grandparents.  He's six years old and when he's in the neighborhood he's just loose all over the place. He even wanted to come in our house once to play.  Which I didn't let him because his family didn't even know he was over and I wouldn't want to upset them.  I was somewhat relieved that he wasn't the little boy from across the street that will be going to school with Jackson.  They also just had another little boy who is a couple months younger than Oliver. If these neighbors don't move anytime soon I would imagine that our five boys will progress to playing together much more frequently.  So here I am feeling relieved.

But then I am watching this older kid playing with Jackson, kind of telling him what to do.  He walks into my garage and tells me he wants to play with the yellow trucks on the shelf.  These trucks belong to Wyland and they're are still in the box. My answer was no.  So he helps himself to a bike (also Wyland's).  So the rest of the time we're out there I'm just thinking.

I don't really want Jackson playing with this kid who pee's on lawns!

I feel terrible for thinking that.

He's just a kid.

But how do we influence who our kids play with?

How do we as parents make sure they get in a "good crowd" at school?

How do we make sure that they have friends period?

I guess we can't.

I did feel good that Jackson so easily interacted with him.  He's going off to Kindergarten this year and I'm nervous for him.  I want him to have lots of friends.  I want him to make friends easily.  To feel like he fits in.  It's most important for him I feel like.  He'll be doing everything first.  When Wyland starts school he'll have his big brother there to look out for him.  When Oliver starts school he'll have Wyland to look out for him.

But Jackson ..

he's blazing out on his own.

And I don't want him to learn that peeing on a neighbors lawn is okay!

Cold won't stop us.

This Saturday Jeramie was working and so I enlisted my mother to help me take the kids out for the day.  It felt so good to get out of the house and have some fun with them.  We headed down to Thanksgiving Point, my mum and I had a membership that is due to expire next month so it seemed like a good time to squeeze one more visit in.  I realized today when I picked Jackson up from preschool that it had been an accidental well timed visit, he is talking about dinosaurs at school this week.  Wyland is always excited to go anywhere and he was rather impressed with the big dinosaurs.

 Wyland wasn't sure he liked to be that close to the big dinosaur.

 The water and sand is everyones favorite part.

 Oliver hung out in his car seat the whole time but I had to prove he was there too!

 Jackson liked coloring on the computer.

 The boys love looking at this picture.

 Once we finished at the museum we figured we would take a quick cruise through The Farm while we were there. It was actually quite cold .. seriously.  But the kids liked visiting with the animals not to mention their pony ride to top it off.  It actually started to flurry with snow while we were there which was when we decided it was time to leave.

After riding the pony I'm telling Wyland, "What do you say?"

He turns to the HORSE (rather than the lady I was referring to),

and touches the horses nose and says, "Thank you horsey."

HA .. he's so stinking cute.

Welcome 2011!

For New Years this year we kept it pretty low key.  Baylee, Jackson and Wyland have all been carrying a cold to some degree.  I've been fighting it, as has Oliver.  So we wanted to keep things simple.  We headed up to my parents house for some tasty snacks, just hung out and watched a movie.  We rang in the new year with all the kids awake except for Baylee.  I didn't take a single picture to document the event.  It was a fun and relaxing evening though and I couldn't have asked for more.

These days I'm almost afraid to leave the house.  With Jeramie working all day I just am not brave enough to venture out with the kids alone.  At best I could put Wyland and Oliver in the double stroller (in an attempt to contain Wyland), but even then the stroller requires two hands to push and that leaves no hands for Jackson.  I don't enjoy feeling trapped at home in the house but right now don't see any other options. So since we hardly ever leave the house that explains my total lack of blogging lately.  Haven't taken any pictures because we don't go anywhere.  This coming weekend Jeramie isn't on call and it'll just be us, so maybe we'll see if we can find something fun to do with the kids. 

So what do we do if we don't leave the house?  Well thank goodness there were all those new toys that arrived at Christmas.  The boys have been playing more in their bedroom too, which is unusual.  I've put a whole lot more toys in there so now there are more things to do and when I'm up here on the computer then they tend to gravitate in this direction.  We also watch a LOT of Toy Story.  It doesn't tend to matter which one, as we have all three and kind of just rotate through them.  I've got to be honest I'm all Toy Story-ed out!  So tired of the same thing over and over.  But, it keeps the boys happy so what can I do.

Wyland got a firehouse for Christmas.

 Jackson liked it too.

 Awe .. isn't he cute?!

 Quick shot with his eyes open.

 What every big sister does .. paint the little brothers nails.

Jackson liked it and then he was quick to have her take it off!

Can't believe we're almost here.

I was just going through some of my old pictures from the hospital.  Brings back so many memories of when Jackson and Wyland were born.  Baylee was pre-digital age so I don't have a whole lot of hers scanned in, plus with her preemie status they whisked her off for a multitude of tests and I didn't get to hold her right away so there actually aren't a whole lot of pictures from that first day. It's so weird and exciting all at the same time to think that in only a few weeks we'll be doing all this again.

This is Jackson.

Interestingly enough we don't have a similar picture of Wyland.

Notice the nurses hand that looks like she's preventing me from touching my baby?

 Jackson was whisked away from the OR and I only got to hold him AFTER they

had taken him to the nursery and "cleaned him up".  It felt like a long time

just waiting in recovery to finally get to hold my baby.

 Love this picture of Baylee holding Jackson for the first time.

 This is one of my favorite hospital pictures of Jackson.

 I delivered Jackson at Alta View.  Then I had Wyland at Jordan Valley.  I'm not

sure if it is a hospital thing or lucky circumstances but with Wyland they did a lot of their

initial cleaning up and stuff in the OR.  So as soon as I was wheeled into recovery I got

to sit and hold him for over an hour before they took him away to give him a bath in the nursery.

They didn't have a room ready for me so I kind of think this is why I got so much time with him.

But I was so grateful to actually get to spend time with him before they just took him away from me.

 Plus at Jordan Valley my mum went with Wyland to the nursery and she

took lots of pictures of him while he had his first bath.

Hope she's planning on doing the same next month!

 Wyland and my first picture together.

 I LOVE this picture of Jackson holding Wyland.  His expression is priceless.

I'm hoping that by our fourth baby that we are more organized for pictures and video.  I love looking back at these first pictures of them arriving in the world.  All of the hospital experiences have been very different.  The other day someone tried to get me out of my funk by saying, "Well at least you know what to expect."  But that really isn't true in many ways.  All of my kids have been very different hospital experiences.  When I was waiting to go into surgery with Wyland I was in a communal room because as I mentioned they didn't have a clean room ready for me yet.  So there was a lady next to me (I couldn't see her because we were separated by a curtain), but she was in there for them to try and turn her breech baby.  I felt bad for her having to go through that (since I've heard it's very painful) with me a complete stranger listening in on the other side of the curtain.  Plus I really don't love all of the constant poking and prodding, not to mention nurses who tell you what you can and can't do with your baby.  I mean really?  I am this childs mother, why is it they think that they know better than me?  Just because they work in the hospital?  They just come and take your child whenever they want, you don't have much choice in the matter.  It really bugs me!  In a normal setting would you just let a stranger take your child away .. not so much. 

See here's the other thing with having a c-section .. you can't just get up and go with your baby when they take him away.  With Jeramie going back to work on Friday it means I'll be there by myself all day Friday.  So when they take him away for this that and the other it's not like I can send someone to find out where he is and what's going on.  I'm just stuck in this bed.  And I don't need anyone to tell me how I should just be grateful for a healthy baby and this is all par for the course.  I get all that and of course I feel that way. But I'm still entitled to not like parts of the experience.  I'm so ready to get the hospital experience over and done with.  I can't wait to meet my new baby and come home!

Potty Training Update

Well we have officially completed 5 days of potty training now.  The first two days were BAD.  He just wasn't getting it at all.  At times he would even cry for his diapers.  Lots of wet unders and many puddles.  Friday was a new day.  He had a really good day.  Peed in the potty many times with lots of encouragement.  I was a little worried on Saturday because Jeramie was working which meant I was home alone with 5 kids (we had Jeramie's boys this weekend).  I had ambitious goals of finishing moving all of Baylee's toys downstairs to her new bedroom.  Not to mention piles of laundry.  We had a bad day.  But I would necessarily say it was because we didn't try.  I think with the boys there it was just a little too easy for him to get distracted.  He tended to follow them and me and so he was constantly moving with lots going on.  But we had a breakthrough that night when he came to me and told me he had to go potty.  He had his PJ's on at this point with a diaper ready for bed.  So even though he was wearing a diaper he told me he had to go rather than just going in the diaper.  Then Sunday arrived and he had a REALLY good day!  Every time I put him on the potty he went.  He even came and told me he had to go a couple times.  We had only one accident and it was when we went outside to play on bikes for a little while.  So all in all I think that it's going REALLY well!

After the first 2 days were a little disappointing I was really rather concerned that perhaps he wasn't ready.  But he seems to be getting it.  I'm hoping for another good day today.  He gets so excited when he goes and I just think it's the cutest thing in the whole world. Plus he looks super cute in his big boy unders!

On another note I DID finish moving all of Baylee's stuff all by myself on Saturday.  I am so glad to have that all finished.  When Jeramie came home I had him hang things on her wall.  All that's left in her old bedroom now is the bed frame and a dresser that we will be taking up to my parents house.  It's so strange hearing how echo-y her old room sounds now.  But now that it's empty I can hardly wait to paint it and get the boys moved over.  It's all slowly coming together.  Jeramie spent a little time in the basement however there is still much to do down there.  BUT given how much I was able to accomplish all by myself on Saturday I think that if Jeramie and I go down to the basement together then we could knock it out pretty quickly.  It's so close, yet so far.  Just gotta keep on going.

What are we doing?

Funny you should ask ....

Yep .. that’s right .. POTTY TRAINING. Jackson was a late potty trainer, he just wasn’t remotely interested and I guess I just let him have his way. I was buying diapers for both Jackson and Wyland for several months and it sucked. However, once we decided it was time that was it. He has pretty much potty trained overnight. He never wore pull ups and hardly ever wet the bed or had any accidents at all. I couldn’t believe how easy it was. I don’t expect the same with Wyland, don’t get me wrong. Nobody gets TWO kids that are that easy. So one of the blogs I follow posted about her potty training method that has worked for all five of her kids. She swears by the age of 2 years 3 months and 2 years 6 months. Wyland was 2 years 3 months last week and we’re gonna go for it. I’m leaning towards the earlier of the time frame since Oliver will be arriving soon and I would like to have potty training completely under our belts before his little world changes so much.

So starting tomorrow we’re officially potty training. This weekend is a mellow weekend, which for us is very unusual. I’ve purchased some of the padded training pants (which I didn’t use with Jackson). As well as some special big boy unders (cause the boy loves Sponge Bob). I’m excited! Wish us luck and we’ll see how good this method is.

I *heart* Carters!!

I just want to share how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Carter's store for kids.  My kids have been wearing their PJ's for years (beginning with Baylee).  They have the best blanket sleepers of anywhere.  No worrying whether the kids blankets stay on them at night, because let's face it they never do.  I have purchased lots of baby clothes there with my boys.  They really do have some of the cutest stuff.  Not to mention their clothes are made well.  No holes in them after a few washes that you often get from other stores.  I have Carter's clothes that were Jackson's then Wyland's, and are still in great condition that the baby will get to wear.  PLUS on top of all those great reasons they have some of the best coupons!  Most of the summer I've always had a get 20% off your entire purchase when you spend $40.  You put that on top of the already great sales and you walk away with KILLER deals!

Case in point, today at lunch I buzzed over there real quick. I had one of these 20% off coupons that expires tomorrow.  It was a good excuse to get out and get some fresh air.  I SCORED on some Fall shopping!

(6) long sleeved t-shirts for Jackson
(3) long sleeved t-shirts for Wyland
(3) pairs of blue jeans for Jackson  (I paid $6.72 a piece!!!!!!)

My total for those 12 items was exactly $56.33!!!  I paid as little as $2.82 for a shirt, the max I paid for a shirt was $4.03.  I am in sticker shock right now in the best possible way.  If you aren't a Carter's shopper and you have kids that fall in the birth to maybe 8 years old age range you are missing out.  At this point I'm sat here looking at the receipt thinking that I should have bought MORE!  I was in a rush because it was my lunch break.  AMAZING!

Family Bed

So I’m curious what other people do with their kids bedroom habits. Baylee slept with me on and off for several years. Mainly because I was single and had plenty of room for her. When we moved into my townhouse I moved her into her own bed and it was no big deal. Clearly it was me that enjoyed sleeping together more than she did. I just liked having her close. I think my initial feelings on the matter stem from when Baylee had her first febrile seizure. She had been sick and I came home from being out for the night and my mum had left me a note saying she had been running a temperature and so she gave her some Tylenol before bed. So I got her out of her crib and brought her back to my room. A few hours later I woke up to the bed vibrating (umm .. definitely one of the scariest moments in my life to date). But if I hadn’t moved her into my bed that night I never would have known what happened and she would have been all alone. So fast forward to years later when we had Jackson I really struggled when it was time to go back to work. It was SO hard on me. Probably didn’t help that I was really unhappy with my job (I quit a couple months later). Anyway when I went back to work I started sleeping with Jackson in bed with us. I missed him so much during the day and he went to sleep so soon after I got home from work that I felt like it was the only time we had together, when we went to bed. Gosh how I loved snuggling with him. Then Wyland came along, we still had Jackson in bed with us so Wyland stayed in his bassinette on the side of the bed. When he was six weeks old I easily moved him in to the crib in the room that he and Jackson were supposed to be sharing. As much as I loved sleeping with my babies there just wasn’t room for four of us in a Queen size bed. Wyland did so good in his crib. He was the best sleeper for like 9 months. THEN he got sick. (this is where the whole seizure experience I think comes into play). I brought him in bed with us because he was sick and I just wanted to keep a close eye on him. Well since then it’s been a struggle. I still love my kids in bed with me because I miss them so much during the day. Being a working mom has its toll. We’ve never ever had good bedtime rituals at our house. Another trade off I think to the whole working mom thing. I’m not strict on bedtimes because I figure that our days are numbered right now. Once the kids are in school full time they’ll be going to bed early and I won’t see them nearly as much. For now they stay up late which means we get to still spend lots of time together. It has its downside, being that Jeramie and I don’t get much adult time in the evenings sometimes works on my patience. If I’m not at work and I’m not sleeping then I’m juggling my kids. Doesn’t leave much free time for things that I (Kerry) want to do. But I figure Jackson starts kindergarten in a year, Wyland will be not that far behind him. So I have to make the most of this time because it won’t last forever.


Which brings us back to the Family Bed. Obviously this is the route that we took. There are some people that give us a hard time about it. It’s a personal choice. While there are days that I wish I had more space to sleep. There are nights that we put both the boys in their own beds to begin with, I make the most of the extra space on those nights while it lasts. We always end up with one or both of them in bed with us before morning. I’ve read online that eventually they’ll decide they don’t want to do it anymore so I guess that’s when they’ll move into their own room. Sometimes with the restricted space one of us (I or Jeramie) will end up in Jackson’s twin bed with one of the boys. So it’s a game of musical beds. But at the end of the day when it comes down to it I would really miss them if one of them wasn’t in bed snuggling with me. I know that the fact that I work full time is a major influence on this decision. I feel like this is a huge opportunity for bonding time that I wouldn’t get otherwise because I’m gone all day. And then there are the days that I just want to go to bed at a normal time have the boys do the same and sleep until morning, uninterrupted!

Babies and Binkies

So I thought this would be a fun topic to talk about. It seems that for the most part people usually have pretty strong opinions on the topic. I can’t speak on behalf of my experience with Baylee, because of her Prader-Willi Syndrome we were lucky to get her to barely suck on a bottle let alone a binky. So Jackson was really my first experience with a baby and a binky. And boy did this kid LOVE his binky. He had it until he was two years old. But looking back it was the best. He rarely had bottles in the middle of the night, he just wanted his binky popped back in his mouth. In all reality I would rather he sucked on a binky at nighttime then have that milk swimming around his teeth. It was such a great way to quiet him down when he was upset too. It was soothing but at the same time it stopped the wailing noise! The main reason that we got rid of it at 2 years old was because Wyland was expected the following month and we didn’t want him stealing the babies binky. Little did we know this wouldn’t be a problem.

Wyland on the other hand never really took to a binky. I didn’t push it on him (I don’t recall pushing it on Jackson either). Wyland just would spit them out, he really wasn’t remotely interested in them. Since Jackson had become SO addicted I didn’t see the good in encouraging Wyland if he didn’t need one. My mum always said, “none of you guys had binkies!”

Now don’t get me wrong I too look at parents walking around with their 3 and 4 year olds and wonder what the heck are you thinking?? That kid is TOO old for a binky!! But up to around age 2 I must say there are way more positives than there are negatives. With my next baby I will for sure ENCOURAGE a binky!! I know some people will tell me that I’m crazy, but that’s just my opinion. I know people say they’re ugly and this .. that and the other. I think in a lot of ways it was a good thing with Jackson, at least for my sanity. When I’ve been at work all day long I don’t want to spend all my time trying to console an unhappy child that could just as easily be happy and consoled with a binky popped in his/her mouth. I would rather spend that time playing and having fun!

Any other strong opinions out there?

One of the greatest baby inventions EVER.

When I was expecting Wyland I was really concerned about him being the 3rd child and me only having 2 hands. Especially since Jackson was just going to be two. Granted he was walking of course which is good and bad. So I was on the hunt for a GOOD baby carrier (you know the kind you wear). We’re a very active family and so we spend lots of time out and about. I had purchased a double stroller but sometimes that really isn’t practical either. I had a carrier for Jackson but it had all these hard parts on it and when he was really tiny it really didn’t offer him any comfort to any degree. When I had Baylee I had tried one of these infamous “slings”. It was a waste of money. I’m sure it didn’t help that she didn’t have the muscle tone in the first place to keep her chin up off her chest and therefore compromised her ability to breath. But with Wyland it was a different story. I found a Peanut Shell at Target.com. I purchased it online since there was the wide variety of sizes and fabrics. I FELL IN LOVE!! It was the best thing ever! It was slightly easier on my back that any other baby carrier I had ever tried. It was a fabric that had stretch in it. It was thin, which for a June 30th baby, it was important that he not get too hot in there. I quickly figured out how to get him in and out pretty quickly and when in he felt pretty secure. Now I’m not saying that you can walk around and have 2 hands free. I always had one hand on the baby, but not supporting his weight or anything. It just made sure he didn’t bounce too much or helped to assure me he wasn’t going anywhere without me knowing it. I used that sling until Wyland was walking. So I used it in the hip carrying mode too. This was equally as amazing. Really helped distribute his weight well and still enable me to do what I needed to. Not to mention you can fold it up and pack it most anywhere. Folds pretty much to the size of a receiving blanket. AND you can throw it in the washer too. I mean seriously I couldn’t provide a better recommendation for anyone out there looking for this kind of solution. I have told total strangers whom I’ve seen looking at these things in the store how great they are and where to get them. I’ve had people stop me while I was wearing it and asking how I liked it because they’ve thought about getting one. They are AMAZING!! Totally worth the $40 it’ll cost you. You can also find them clearance online too.

LOVE IT

Oh .. and if you go back in my old posts to June 2009 you'll see my trip to England with Wyland.  I walked all over London and Wales with Wyland in the Peanut Shell.  It was the perfect travel companion!!

P.S.  Hilary you got me thinking about this and now you know what I was talking about in my comment on your blog. 

Things I love best about babies.

In no particular order:

The way they smell. So clean and babylike.

The way their skin is so loose. Like wrinkled miniature old people.

That they let me hold and cuddle them until my heart is content. Plus the fact that they like this as much as I do!

That they are just this warm buddle of love.

Their facial expressions when they sleep.

Their perfect tiny fingers and toes.

That they let me put cute hats on them and make no attempt to remove them.

That I can take them anywhere and they are always good!

The feel of their skin against mine.

That I can dress them however I want and they don’t complain.

Their perfect little lips.

The way they feel sleeping in my arms.

That for the first 2 months at least I get to take care of them all by myself. Then it’s back to work I go.

I love wrapping them up in the perfect swaddle. My little burrito baby.

I love watching them sleep.

SURPRISE!!

Jeramie and I are excited to announce to any of you that don’t already know that we are expecting another baby. This will for sure be our last (don’t worry Dad .. we won’t change our minds). Somewhat bittersweet. Sad to know that this is the last time that I’ll carry a baby. Glad however that this will be my last c-section, I won’t be missing that experience. But at the same time we’re also excited to be entering a new phase in life (okay so that phase is still several years away) but I’m talking about the no more diapers, bottles, completely dependent on mom and dad phase. Age 3-4 with Jackson has just been so much fun that we’re really looking forward to the same kind of age with the others. Not that we won’t treasure every single moment of our last baby. I think in a way it gets even more fun with each new child you have. I’m talking about the fact that I don’t think you worry quite so much, so you stress less. You know they’ll get sick, but then they’ll get well again. Your intuition gets better with each one as well. You’re not so quick to call the doctor and waste money on unnecessary visits. I don’t know how better to describe it, it just gets easier and you enjoy them more.

So Baby Howard-Kramer is due to arrive at the end of the year, like literally right before Christmas. We couldn’t be more happy to add one more to our already large family!

Thumbs up!  (can you see it?)

Is it a boy or is it a girl?  Wouldn't you like to know!

Motherhood

Some of you may know all of this story, some may know bits and pieces, others may know nothing. I have had all of my babies via c-section. I lay there terrified each and every time. I feel like my doctor robbed me of something that wasn't his to take away. He robbed me of an experience that as a woman I had a right to. I'm bitter about it. There's no question about that. And so the story goes...

I was 22 years old when I had Baylee. She was my first baby, so it seemed to me like a completely normal pregnancy. I had nothing to compare it to. They asked things like, does the baby move? Well yes. Did the ultrasounds and they all looked normal. Nothing to worry about. But when I was 34 weeks pregnant my water broke. I was at my parents house and told them we were going to the hospital. I have a terrible memory so I don't remember exactly what they said, my memory tells me it was something along the lines of, "It's too early for your baby. You'll be back soon." Off I went to the hospital and they quickly checked me in. I was indeed in labor. I think because it was so early they were anxious to put an internal monitor on Baylee. The first nurse gave it a try to no avail. So she sent in another nurse, this nurse pointed out to the first nurse that the reason that they couldn't attach the monitor was because Baylee was breach. Pretty much that's a do not pass GO, straight to surgery. I don't blame my doctor for that. In all actuality regardless of his role in this event it's probably a good thing that Baylee was premature. If she hadn't been perhaps she wouldn't have been diagnosed when she was born. This could have led to many years of frustration.

When I got pregnant with Jackson I went back to my same OB/GYN. I liked him. This pregnancy was different and boy did I think to myself if Baylee had been my second baby I would have KNOWN there was something not right. Anyway, I wanted the VBAC. I was 100% positive I did NOT want another c-section. My doctor seemed to kind of try and talk me out of it. I didn't really understand why. This was my decision. I had to sign some scary form that listed all the possible complications of the VBAC. Mainly being the fact that my original scar could tear. But c'mon it had been like 9 years since then. I was pretty confident that was sealed up pretty good. Anyway, at one of my regular appointments the nurse was dutifully taking my blood pressure and all that when she said something about my due date. But the number she gave me was totally different than my actual due date. It was a complete week sooner!! So I questioned her on it and she just kind of blew it off like it was no big deal, it happened all the time. But still .. really? Your doctor changes your due date (kinda important, don't you think?) and doesn't even TELL you?? I thought it was weird but again since the nurse acted like it was no big deal I didn't really think much of it. As my due date closed in my doctor constantly reminded me that if the baby didn't come on it's own that I would HAVE to schedule a c-section. He refused to induce labor. Something about increasing the risks of VBAC complications if they have to give you pitocin (sp?). Due date came and went. I did everything to try and get the show on the road. We had just bought the house we live in now and were spending every night there painting and preparing to move. When my doctor insisted I choose a surgery date "just in case" I chose the further one out there. The doctor won. Baby didn't come and I ended up with another c-section. I can't even tell you how disappointed I was. Not to mention how terrified. At least with the first one I didn't know it would happen, didn't even consider it as an option. This time I got to think about the epidural without the offset of contractions to distract you for the giant needle going into your spine. Them cutting me wide open. I mean seriously they make you stay 2 extra days in the hospital for a reason. It's MAJOR surgery. Jackson arrived safe and sound and I survived the event (contrary to my million fears). But at that point my fate was forever sealed. After two c-sections VBAC would never be an option. I will never experience child birth the way nature intended it.

With Wyland there was no hope. I knew what I was in for. If anything I was even more terrified. For two reasons really. My second spinal block (with Jackson) was SO painful. I blame it on the guy that did it. I remember feeling at the time that I wasn't curling my spine enough. But the sheer pain (that made me sob) the first time was enough to scare the shit out of me in anticipation for this next time. But there is a light at the end of this tunnel .. with Wyland I literally hardly even felt the spinal block! When he said he was done I was surprised!! So don't fear ladies, these actually don't have to hurt. (I have some helpful tips if you want me to share).

I did go back to my same doctor with Wyland, even after the realization that he had manipulated me when I had Jackson. I am 100% sure that he changed my due date so that he could tell me I was a week late and had no choice. When in all actuality I wasn't late at all yet. But this way he could be in and out in an hour with a c-section. He got what HE wanted. Looking back in a way I felt violated. He really did rob me of that experience. I can never change it or get it back. Chances are I will go my entire life and never participate (even on the sidelines) in natural child birth. It makes me sad. You may be wondering why I even went back to him when I was pregnant with Wyland. At that point I was confident in his surgical skills. At least he had that going for him. Plus it was convenient. I knew what to expect with him.

At the end of the day I have 3 beautiful children that were delivered without complication. I am so grateful for that. Plus I have survived each of the experiences. But yes, I will forever feel like I missed out on something. Not to mention my work doesn't give you the extra 2 weeks of paid leave because of a c-section!! That was pretty much the only advantage to having one!! Anyway, not sure why I shared all those thoughts. I don't do that often on my blog. Maybe because I was watching babies being born on "Parenthood" tonight and it brought up those feelings. Tip out there for anyone in this kind of boat .. get a doctor that completely supports VBAC if that's what you want. Fight for YOUR right to choose.

Wyland and my first picture together.