Comparisons, Envy, Perception

We all basically start out like this right?

Beautiful little babies.

Or do we?  Nature vs. Nurture arguments commence.

Why do we spend our entire lives seeing how we measure up?

Who weighs less?  Because of course thinner is somehow better.
Who drives a nicer / newer car?
Who's kids were better behaved in church?
Who is prettier, more handsome, or cuter?  Enter "My Grandkids are cuter than yours" license plate frame.
Who makes more money?
Who got better grades?
Who's kids have better manners?
Who went to college?
Who has a bigger home?  In a nicer neighborhood?  Enter East side vs. West side.
Who's kids learned to read sooner?
Who's kids are better behaved?
Who's a better mom, dad, husband, wife, brother, sister, son, daughter, cousin, friend?  You get the point.
Who has a better marriage?
Who is kinder?
Who exercises vs. who "doesn't have time"?
Who budgets better?
Who is more compassionate?
Who has a cleaner house?
Who had a better upbringing?
Who is a more fun person?
Who got the best deal?
Who has suffered the biggest heartache or heartbreak?

Oh how the list could go on and on and on ... yeah .. you get the point.

Why do we spend our lives so worried about what other people think?  While it's nice to say you don't give a crap what other people think, who really truly doesn't give a crap?  Nobody likes anybody thinking something negative about them if it isn't true.  They say that so many people run the risk of painting a "too perfect life" through their blog life.  I think it's kind of true, because really who wants to air out their dirty laundry for all to see?  But we all have bad days and good days I think.

But when does it end?

As Jackson started kindergarten this year it's been a huge adjustment for us. In many ways it's a first for me.  Baylee's education was SO very different.  There weren't mountains of kindergarten homework. There was never any comparing her to the rest of the class.  This is all new territory.  There was "grading" but let's face it, it's pretty loose grading.  Her last report card was straight A's!  But she isn't doing what "normal" 8th graders are doing.  Jackson has very little interest in the academic side of kindergarten.  But the kid sure loves his recess and his friends.  But look, here I am comparing Baylee's educational experience to Jackson's.  It's what we do.  Compare everything.  It's hard not to compare apples to apples.  And as a result of comparing one thing to another it often results in Envy.  Not something people intentionally want to feel.  Often people will push such feelings out of their minds.  Because we know it's "wrong" to feel envy.  It isn't a positive feeling.  And how often have people thought to themselves (whether they say it out loud or not, or would even admit to it or not) but would think they would trade their own problem for someone elses any time.  Which leads up to Perception.  Our perception of other people.  Their lives.  Their problems.  Their successes.  Their failures.  You realize that a lot of the time our perception is wrong.  Yours and mine.

Who are we to judge each other?  People in glass houses ...

But really ... when does it end?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  As I get older it turns into:

Who's better prepared for their retirement?
Who's kids go to college?
Who's kids get better jobs?
Who has a better relationship with their parents?
Who paid their house off quicker?
Who gets to retire sooner?
Who's kids get married first?
Who's kids marriages succeed versus fail?
Who's kids grow up happy and well adjusted?
Who's kids end up in jail?  Please let it not be mine!

I swear it feels like it never ends.   At least not at the rate so many people are going.  It takes a conscious effort to not get caught up in the Comparison, Envy, Perception trap.  It's REALLY hard.  Because even when you think you aren't doing it to other people .. because you're working so hard not to.  Then you can't help but wonder whether they're doing it to you?  Assuming that people say things to "rub in" that they are somehow better than you are.  Sometimes people are just sharing something because they've been thinking about it.  Because they're excited about it.  As soon as I posted my last post about vacation I instantly wondered what "hidden meanings" people would draw from it.  There were no hidden messages.  I was literally updating my budget spreadsheet and thinking to myself how excited I am about our next vacation.  It's one of the ways that always makes me feel better about working full time.  That it means we get to do fun things like this with our kids.  It's these moments that help make it worth it. 

There are no hidden meanings in this post.  No pointing fingers.  Things are so much easier when they're this little.  Eat.  Sleep.  Poop.  But even then and for some people it isn't even THAT simple.

I was just thinking about this stuff this week.  How much I worry about these kinds of things sometimes and I just wish it was easy not to.  I read in this book the following, "When unhappiness or stress hovers overhead, rather than taking it all personally, you learn to treat them as if they were black clouds in the sky, and to observe them with friendly curiosity as they drift past."  Sounds so simple doesn't it.  Simply put, YOU are not your thoughts, you choose how you react to them.

May I give my kids the tools to handle Comparison, Envy and Perception well.  I hope I teach them how to cope with those things.  But I worry.  Three boys .. what if one is athletically gifted while another really struggles.  Some things will come easy .. others will not.

Food Revolution

Have you ever watched this show?  It's on on Friday's.  It's basically about this English guy show comes over to America to try and teach communities (especially school's) to eat better.  Basically that you can feed yourself and your kids so much better without spending much more money.  In short, avoiding processed foods and opting for whole foods instead.  Currently he's trying to make an impact in Los Angeles.  Including the Los Angeles Unified School District which happens to be the district that educated me in elementary school.  He cries alot too which actually kind of bugs me .. but whatever.

Anyway this last week was cool. He had the kids in the school prepare themselves an ice cream sundae with all the traditional type of toppings.  Then he showed them what was in those toppings.  We're talking bugs, duck feathers and human hair!!!  DISGUSTING.

While I'm not going organic, all natural, vegan .. or anything along those extreme lines (not that it's bad if you do that).  But I will certainly have this in the back of my mind when I'm shopping.  I would be okay spending another 50 cents on an All Natural spaghetti sauce as opposed to a more processed one.  I feel good about making a small change like that.  I think we can do better for our kids as far as feeding them real food, rather than all processed foods.  But I have nothing against a Happy Meal sometimes either.  My kids LOVE Happy Meals.  I guess for me it always comes back to *moderation*.  It's my rule of thumb I suppose.  Working full time and being a full time Mama means that I truly don't have time (or make the time I guess) to cook a complete meal from scratch every single night of the week.  It's hard enough some days just to get dinner on the table before 8pm.

But I think that in some ways just looking at this stuff from a different perspective and making small changes here and there.  It can make a difference.  The little things always add up right?  But don't take this post the wrong way .. this Mama still loves her a Big Mac!  (And Astro Burger, and In and Out, and and and...)  And that ain't changing.

What about you?  Do you have strong feelings about all natural, organic, vegan, etc?

Oh .. and as far as Jamie Oliver's Food Revoluation, you should give it a try. It's a pretty good summer show.

Bye Bye Bajio

I take my lunch to work every day of the week.

Except on Thursday's.

Because Thursday's Bajio has the small ensalada and drink for $5!

What a steal!

There used to be one right around the corner from my work.

It changed into a Costa Vida.

So I've been hiking it much farther to the next closest Bajio.

Only to find out that they are ALL converting to Costa Vida.

Really.

Sad.

Costa Vida is still good.

But their Thursday lunch special of a small salad and a drink is $5.99.

That's not such a special deal.  It's a DOLLAR more!

Bajio .. I will miss you.

Specifically I will miss your delicious sweet rice!

And your grilled onions.

And your corn.

None of which can be compared to at Costa Vida.

Plus your salads came with sour cream, Costa Vida charges extra for that.

It's not the same.  And as a result you will likely lose business in my opinion.

I for one will not be coming nearly as often anymore.

I'm bummed.

Obesity vs. Alcoholism

So I posted yesterday about how more people would choose a perfect body over a million dollars.  I just can't get it out of my head.  So it got me thinking.  66% of American's are obese.  It's one of the (if not the very top) contributing causes to death.  How sad is that?  And please don't think I'm getting all high and mighty about this.  I was fat too.  I am barely (we're talking the difference of only 5 pounds) within a healthy weight range for my height.  So many women are depressed about their weight.  They feel trapped by their weight.  My own husband has weight issues, so I know it isn't just about women.  But seriously, if you or someone close to you has ever been affected by alcoholism then maybe just stop reading here.  I by no means intend to trivialize that disease at all.  But I am going to draw a parallel that I see. 

Where this all began was during that lunch errand yesterday.  I ran over to the Weight Watchers center to purchase a book.  When I was leaving I saw these two women walk in together.  I started thinking how WW's is about meetings, so is AA.  These two ladies were on the journey together, supporting each other.  In AA you have a sponsor!  So then I started looking into it some more.  How are these two things the same?  Why are they both successful?

On the AA website it has this list of questions you're supposed to ask yourself.  If you answer yes to four or more questions then you have a drinking problem.  Well in this case I'm converting it to an EATING problem.  See for yourself:

1.  Have you ever decided to stop drinking go on a diet for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?


2. Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking eating habits – stop telling you what to do?

3. Have you ever switched from one kind of drink fast food to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk fat?

4. Have you had to have an eye-opener upon awakening during the past year?

5. Do you envy people who can drink eat without getting into trouble?

6. Have you had problems connected with drinking poor eating habits during the past year?

7. Has your drinking eating caused trouble at home?

8. Do you ever try to get “extra” drinks food at a party because you do not get enough?

9. Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking eating bad any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk fat when you don’t mean to?

10. Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking eating?  (okay that one was a stretch)

11. Do you have “blackouts”?  (I've certainly blacked out on that whole bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs I just ate)

12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink overeat?

Now isn't that fascinating??  I agree some of them are a bit of a stretch.  But I could EASILY find four things in there that my answer was HELL YES!  Obesity can ruin lives just as much as alcoholism can.  It can feel just as lonely.  Really how different are these things?  Not so much. 
 

Saint Francis of Assisi said:

 

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

I accept that I cannot change the spider veins on my thighs and therefore will never wear short shorts.

I have the courage to make what I put in my mouth a choice.

I have the courage to sign up for a 5K and push myself to complete it.

And on good days I like to think that I have the wisdom to know the difference.

 

I don't expect that I'll get many "Comments" on this post.

I'll either have offended people, which I really don't intend to.

Or people just don't want to talk about it.

Or maybe they think I fell off my rocker.

 

But if you aren't afraid.  Tell me what you think ...

Am I the only person that sits and ponders these things?

 

So tomorrow maybe I'll be back with the adorable preschool graduation pictures from last week that I haven't made the time to gather up into a real post.

Seriously Love!

I love this show!

Like seriously love it.  It's hilarious.

I can relate on so many levels.

Did you see the episode where the blond lady talked about wanting to punch her kids in the face?

Oh

My

Gosh

It was good the first season but this season has just gotten better.

If you've never watched it .. you should.

Can't wait to watch the season finale tonight.

In other TV news:

Umm .. did you see Batman on The Bachelorette? wtf?!

Could the judges have tipped the American Idol competition any more in Lauren's favor?

So glad that Boston Rob won Survivor.

So sad that Brothers and Sisters got cancelled!  Is Kitty going to keep the baby??

I didn't love those girls that won Amazing Race .. but how cool that two women beat all those men!

So sad it's the final season of Friday Night Lights.

This is the first season I've watched The Biggest Loser .. I love it!  Haven't watched the finale yet.

Do you think I watch too much TV?

Don't judge.

Oh .. and one last thing.  Totally unrelated.

At lunch today I was running an errand listening to talk radio.

Nutrisystem took a poll. 

Would you rather have a millions dollars or the perfect body?

More people chose the perfect body!!

Anyone else find that completely baffling??

That's all I've got today.  Just a bunch of thoughts in my head and I thought I'd share them.

Friendship

WIKIPEDIA says:

Friendship is a form of interpersonal relationship generally considered to be closer than association, although there is a range of degrees of intimacy in both friendships and associations.  Friendship and association can be thought of as spanning across the same continuum.

Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:

The tendency to desire what is best for the other

Sympathy and empathy

Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart

Mutual understanding and compassion

Trust in one another (able to express feelings - including in relating to the other's actions - without fear of being judged); able to go to each other for emotional support

Positive reciprocity - a relationship is based on equal give and take between the two parties.

Based on that definition how many "friends" actually meet that criteria?  I feel like in many ways social media has contributed to the ruin of what real friendships are supposed to consist of.  But more than that even I think this era of laziness has.  I think that people use "well I'm just being myself and if you don't like it then ..." as an excuse for being a bad friend.  Since when did so many "friendships" become about competition?  Who's kids are smarter?  Whos kids are better behaved?  Who's husbands are better .. more helpful?  Who's husbands are more successful?  Who's lives are "busier"?  Because what .. somehow being overly busy translates to your life being more important somehow?  Who is skinnier?  Who eats healthier?  Who feeds their kids healthier?  Who has the nicer house?  How has a nicer car?  Oh my gosh the list could go on forever.  Is it just me?  Am I the only person that feels like friendships true to the WIKEPEDIA definition are hard to come by?  Like all relationships (marriages, parents/children) they take effort.  Sometimes you have to do things that maybe wouldn't be your first choice.

Friendship is about  being selfless.

Friends are supposed to know what's important in your life and then they are supposed to ask you about those things.  They don't just wait for you to bring it up as a topic of conversation.  At which point they are somewhat obligated to say, "Oh yeah .. how's that going for you?"  But is that a fair assumption?  Is it fair to place expectations on friendships?  Is it fair to expect a friend to remember those things and voluntarily ask about them?

See how complicated it all gets.  I guess what it comes down to is that the people that perhaps you want to share a friendship with should be the kind of people that want to be that way.  Not the kind that act that way only when they are forced to.  And at what point do you just stop putting forth all the effort?  You know what I mean.  YOU are always who initiates a text message conversation.  YOU are who always says, "Hey do you want to go do this?  Wouldn't that be fun!"  YOU make the plans, they just come along for the ride.  Remember the positive reciprocity part of friendship? 

I guess I should have said at the beginning of this post some sort of disclaimer telling people that I'm not talking *about* anyone in particular.  I think that we all fall short in some of the ways that we demonstrate friendship.  Some of them come easier than others.  And what comes easy to me isn't going to be the same as what comes easy to someone else.  I have never *dumped* a friend.  I've never said to someone, "I don't want to be your friend anymore.  This isn't working out."  But I've also had friends in my past whom didn't contribute in a positive way to me as a person or my life.  Maybe I should have *dumped* those friendships.  I guess I'm sort of passive about that stuff, I just kind of let those people fall to the wayside.  Oh but back to what I was saying, this topic intrigues me and WIKIPEDIA specifically said that this is something that is studied in Sociology (which is what I got my Bachelors degree in).  So I guess that's perhaps why I find it fascinating.  Oh and I should say that I have been *dumped* as a friend.  And funny enough it was often right around the time that something really great happened to me.  I can't help but feel like that had a little to do with it.  Going back to the whole competition thing again.  Jealousy is a very powerful thing and it's really not a trait that belongs in a friendship.

So anyway, what are your thoughts on friendship?

Has it become a competition in your world?

Have you ever *dumped* a friend?

Have you been *dumped* by a friend?

Do you have lots of friends or just a select few?

Do you place expectations on friendship?

I'm so curious what other people think about all this.

Whoopsi Daisy ...

I’m a self proclaimed blog stalker, it’s true. I just love listening to other peoples opinions on things. I recently read a post about preserving a daughters innocence / childhood. It wasn’t so much the blog post that got me thinking but more the 248 comments attached to it. All these, “wah wah the world is going to crap!!” comments. There was ONE opposing comment. And even that one wasn’t really opposing what was being said so much as just saying that this is something every generation goes through. The whole thing was thought provoking to me.

See I’m not going to have to worry about Baylee coming home wanting to wear 4 inch heels next year. That isn’t my reality. But all these comments were all about these women and their daughters, with an occasional reference to a boy. As a mother to 3 boys I think of similar things. I too see that kids seem to be growing up too quickly. We talk about, “Well what did we used to do when we were their age?” See though, here’s the thing .. we don’t live in the same times. PLUS I really believe that we all have a rather distorted view of our own childhoods from 15-20+ years ago.

The first thing that popped into my head was that I used to play with my Barbies while Mike played next to me with his GI Joes. I think that’s what lots of kids did that grew up around the same time. Sure I could twist that around to say that playing with Barbies distorted me to have this misconceived female body image, right? Playing with GI Joes also meant playing with guns and tanks, that could be twisted to say that it focused on violence. C’mon .. Barbies and GI Joes people!!

We grew up in California. This meant that in the summer time we spent most of our time at the beach, playing in the sand and ocean. That is not a luxury that my own kids will have. Beach is F R E E! At least for now it is (I’m sure someone will eventually find a way to privatize this luxury). In the Winter it was still warm enough to be able to go outside and ride bikes and play kick the can. But we live in Utah. That means for basically 6 months of the year it is real hard to do stuff outside. I REALLY like to get out on the weekends and find fun things to do with my kids. But you can only keep small children warm for so long. Once they’re cold .. it isn’t fun anymore. And really, what parent *forces* their kids to stay outside in the snow? “These days” that’s considered child abuse. I just think people are way too quick to judge. There is a degree of tunnel vision going on here. I don’t claim to be immune to it either, I’m sure my perception is very different from others.

One last thought, there are those self proclaimed “conservative parents” who feel that they are judged and criticized for being such. When they tell their kids that they can’t go see some risqué movie that all their friends are going to see, they “lose friends over it.” Hearing that frustrates me. Because the flip side to that is that the rest of us are bad parents because we are letting our kids see the “inappropriate” movie. What this boils down to is that the conservative parents feel like crap because they feel like people think they’re weird for not doing what everyone is doing. The liberal parents feel like crap because they feel like the conservative parent just said they were bad parents. Get it? Everyone feels like crap! Everyone has hurt feelings. How is this any way to live? MY philosophy is one of balance, everything in moderation kind of approach. Because yes, there are good things about being conservative and there are good things about being more liberal. At the end of the day who am I or you to judge someone else? I don’t want to raise sheltered children that once they’re out in the world they’re in for a rude awakening. I also don’t want to raise kids who end up in jail!

Balance.

Oh and yes .. its seems my blog post went totally off course again. Shoot!

Stupid Hospital

So you know when you have a baby and you fill out the official form to name your child.  Well based on this form you get your child's Social Security card in the mail.  I got Oliver's a couple weeks ago and they spelled his middle name wrong!!  So I call the phone number on the paper and after navigating through their many automated menu's it appears I have to go in and fill out a change form.  Umm .. WHY do I have to change something that I didn't screw up?  It's not a change, they need to correct it!  Well I figure that perhaps this information has to be wrong since I'm not the one that made the mistake.  So I finally after many attempts make it to a message that says you want to talk to a live person.  I'm thinking YAY!  I'll wait for awhile and eventually get a live person on the phone.  WRONG.  It tells me there's a very long wait right now and to call back.  Then it HANGS UP on me!  I don't even have the option to wait if I want to, which I did.  So irritating.  Well I set it aside and figured I would call back later.  So on Wednesday this week I had a little free time (I had dropped Jackson and Wyland at Robie's for the afternoon).  So in a rush to run several errands with just Oliver with me I stopped at the place to pick up Oliver's birth certificate.  Keeping in mind that at this point I don't know where the SS office screwed up or if the hospital did.  So I fill out the form for the birth certificate, pay my money and the lady comes back delivering me the document that ALSO has his middle name spelled wrong.  Now I ask myself, what is the point of filling out the form that I did five minutes earlier if she wasn't going to look at it?!  So I tell her his name is spelled wrong.  She informs me that perhaps I filled out the form wrong at the hospital!  UMM .. SERIOUSLY?!!  Something that important, do people really fill them out wrong?  I assured her I filled out the form correctly and on top of that there is no way someone could read my writing (if you know me well you know what I'm talking about).  She tells me she will call the hospital and confirm.  Then she tells me again that if I filled out the form wrong I will have to go back to the hospital to straighten it out.  I mean this lady was insistent that I was the problem.  I again assured her that I know how to spell my sons middle name since I gave it to him (I didn't say it like that though) and there was NO way I filled the form out wrong.  So she calls the hospital and confirms this.  I then get another birth certificate that on the bottom it's printed that the birth certificate has been AMENDED from Rys, to Rhys.  On top of that she tells me that IIIIII am who has to go to the Social Security office to fill out a name change form!! 

All of this because some STUPID hospital employee screwed up when submitting my paperwork and now it's me that has to go all over and sit in line (for possibly hours) in order to correct their stupid mistake.  I'm so mad.  Government agencies suck when it comes to this kind of thing.  They are not customer friendly whatsoever.  It's just wrong.

Words can hurt.

Without getting all political on you I just want to throw a shout out for President Obama .. Cheers Buddy!!!!

They are passing a bill that will remove the phrases "mental  retardation" and "mentally retarded individual" from all references to such in federal laws.  They will replace this language with "intellectual disability".  I read feedback on various websites about this decision and there's a lot of buzz about how it's a waste of money to do such a thing .. blah blah blah. Guess none of those people have ever been a parent of a child with an intellectual disability.  On a regular basis I hear the word "retard" or "that's retarded" thrown around like it's nothing.  Like it doesn't hurt people.  Guess what everybody .. it hurts me.  And lots of other people out there. I hate when people use that word around Baylee.  It literally makes me sick.  To me it isn't much different than a racial slur of ANY kind.  Those aren't acceptable so why is "retard".  This hits a nerve like nothing else with me. 

I can remember working at Discover Card and I listened to these two college aged guys going on and on using that word repeatedly.  I turned around and told them to please not use that word, it can easily offend people. They looked at me like I was crazy and the response from one of them was, "Like who?"  My response was, "Like me." Conversation with them ended there.  However when they got up to go to break a girl whom I didn't even know stood up over the wall from my cubicle (she was a day shift person making up hours, as to why I didn't know who she was), anyway she thanked me for putting them in their place.  She too was offended.  Small world I suppose.  I have listened to kids no older than my own use this word!!  Where do they learn this??  Why does nobody tell them that it's wrong?!  Why isn't this considered a "bad word"?  Why is it socially acceptable?  Is it ignorance?  Do people not realize that for someone whose life has been deeply affected by someone with an intellectual disability that this word is hurtful?

So many questions.  No real answers.  For now my point is .. Thank you President Obama and all of the Senate and House representatives for pointing out that this word isn't a nice word.  Thank you for setting an example.  For some of us this means a lot.

For those of you that use it so flippantly, please don't.  For those of you that have children, please teach them that it isn't a nice word.  For me.  And for Baylee.  And for all the other people out there that may be offended.

Progress on Home Improvements

Well this weekend we continued to march down the road of home improvements. As I have mentioned already our current big project has been the basement. We started with the storage under the stairs. We then moved to the storage room which is through our basement bathroom. All of this was marching towards the conversion of the downstairs bedroom. All week long I have been really nervous about whether we would be ready for action this Sunday. The plan was that my parents would come over and help us with the painting and decorating efforts (more specifics to come on this later, with pictures).

All of this was spurred with the need to make room for our baby arriving in December. It’s very interesting to me all the different perspectives on the decisions that we’ve made. Our house has four bedrooms. When we moved into our house, mere days after I gave birth to Jackson it was easy to decide who would go where. There are 3 bedrooms upstairs and 1 in the basement. So Jeramie and I were obviously in the Master bedroom upstairs. Baylee then occupied the slightly larger of the remaining two bedrooms (she was older). Then Jackson had the other upstairs bedroom. We then set up Jeramie’s old bedroom set in the spare bedroom in the basement for his boys to use 4 nights out of the month. These decisions were all easy ones. Then along came Wyland two years later, whom we bunked up with Jackson in the smaller of the two kids rooms upstairs. It was easier to have the little boys share, rather than switching them with Baylee. Then along comes this baby. It was never really an option to have this baby sleep with Baylee because she would easily take it upon herself to get the baby out of the crib and the such. Not a good situation for her or the baby. When we then found out we were having a boy this made the decision somewhat easier I suppose. There was no way we could put 3 boys in 1 bedroom (the smaller bedroom) while we reserved a perfectly good bedroom in the basement for use 4 nights out of the month. So initially we talked about moving Jackson and Wyland to the basement, however since they both wander into our bedroom most nights this wasn’t a real possibility. This only left us with the option of moving Baylee down there. Even this option has me feeling reservations. But with our expanding family it didn’t take us long to realize there weren’t any other options. Last year for Christmas we had bought Jeramie’s boys some individual futon chairs. They are 14 and 9 years old which is really getting too old to be sharing a queen size bed. To this point though we haven’t put the beds together because we haven’t had room to put them anywhere.

All of this rambling leads me to the purpose of this post. I know that I shouldn’t be bothered by what other people think, what Jeramie and I choose to do with our house is our decision. But it’s a delicate situation. Step kids are TRICKY. There is no question about it. I constantly feel like I’m in this position of damned if you do and damned if you don’t. People don’t like to publicly talk about juggling the step children situation. Questions run through my mind (and I know they’re valid questions) .. things like, “Will Jeramie’s kids feel like they’re being pushed out of THEIR bedroom?” Questions that have verbalized like, “Well why does Baylee get that room .. that’s THE BOYS room?” “Where will the boys sleep now?” I hear the questions being asked and I see the questions on peoples faces.

But really what do people think we’re supposed to do?? Put 3 kids in one room when they live here full time? How do people think that Baylee feels? Does it occur to them that perhaps SHE might feel like she is being pushed out of “the fold”, be banished to the basement, and separated from everyone else? It just kind of makes me mad. I can’t even say that I wish we had a bigger house because really I don’t. I wouldn’t want to try and maintain cleanliness in a bigger home. It’s just so frustrating. I know in my heart that we’re making the right decision. I know that I shouldn’t worry about what other people think, it’s still troublesome to me though. I get tired of being made out to be the bad guy. Why don’t people see the big picture? While I will probably never blog about all my thoughts and feelings on step parenting (reminding people that both Jeramie and I are in that position) for fear of TOTAL condemnation. I just wish that people would look at the big picture sometimes.

On a good note the bedroom turned out AMAZING!! Even better than I imagined. We still have a ton to sort through that is lying all over the place in the bathroom and living room, but I can’t wait to post before and after pictures. Home Depot cut the blinds wrong so we have to take them back to be trimmed some more. So I can’t take accurate “after” pictures just yet. Later this week I hope! Be ready to ooooo and ahhhh!

Cool New Show

Okay so I'm not even sure why I'm blogging about this other than the fact that something told me I was going to like this show.  I told my family they should watch it before I had even seen an episode.  The previews looked funny to me.  So last night Jeramie and I sat down and watched the premiere of the remake of "Hawaii Five-O".  LOVED IT!!  It's not a super intense show that requires a ton of focus and paying attention.  It's just fun and we liked it a lot.  Well casted characters too.  I wasn't the least bit disappointed and stand by my previous recommendation!

Book 'em Danno!!!

Blogging about Blogging

So I’ve read at least 2 blog posts in the past week about people blogging about blogging. Not that that topic in itself is so weird. But it just got me thinking. So the first lady was saying that she was at church and there was this sermon about how you should give something up that is very meaningful to you. The first thing that popped into her head was blogging. She loved it so much but wasn’t clear on the meaning of it in her life anymore and something along the lines of if she loved it so much then perhaps she would hold it more loosely, not put so much value. I’m sure I’m not totally capturing the entire meaning but that’s kind of what I took from it looking back a week later. So she will no longer blog for awhile, perhaps forever. Then this other lady was talking about how she went to this Mothers Retreat thing and the ladies were discussing what makes them feel like they are failing as mothers. She said that predominantly all these ladies immediately pointed to blogs! REALLY?? I mean if you are reading something that makes you feel bad about yourself then WHY would you keep reading it? Blogging is a choice, just as much as reading them is. Now it’s not to say that this lady was agreeing, in fact she wasn’t. Her point was that people tend to only blog about the happy moments in their lives and blah blah blah. Everything is Rainbows and Butterflies. I didn’t comment on either post, firstly because I don’t know them and secondly because I don’t like to leave random not nice comments on anyones blogs, including those that belong to strangers.


But that’s what got me thinking. I don’t think that I paint a perfect life. If anything I make an effort not to only blog about things that bug me. Because there’s plenty of that stuff out there. And when you blog about something negative then all of a sudden people start thinking you’re talking ABOUT them which often isn’t even true. But if you’re thinking that then perhaps you need to think about it some more because clearly you’re relating to it somehow. I don’t even think that the blogs that I read (certainly of friends and family) tend to only be about fun stuff. By no means is anyone going to throw out there for the world to read that they’re having money problems or marital problems. So of course you have to take it with a grain of salt because don’t we all have those problems every now and then? But they tend to quickly blow over or become resolved. It’s the good stuff that we want to remember years from now, so of course we blog about that. Blogs (at least mine) often include so many pictures, people don’t take pictures of the bad stuff do they?? So that would lend itself to less blogging about bad stuff.

Why is it so hard for people to have basic good manners these days?

And what’s more important, why do I care? People who lack basic manners truly drive me crazy! Why do people feel “weird” about being appreciative? Without a doubt myself and my brothers were raised with stellar manners. If we don’t demonstrate them then it’s not from lack of knowing we should, apparently we’re just being lazy. I know that sometimes I forget to use my manners and truly it’s not intentional. My point being that I am not perfect and certainly am not under the impression that I am. But it’s the little things, like holding a door open for a stranger .. so few people these days say “Thanks”. If anything I feel kind of silly when it’s a set of double doors and I say it twice! And then there are the half-hearted ones. Like someone knows they are expected to say thanks so they stare at the floor and mumble it. Really? There is nothing genuine about this and you aren’t fooling anyone.


But is there something wrong with expecting a “Thanks” when it’s deserved? It’s not like people do things only with the intention of being thanked for it. But still, it’s rude right? Oh and how about when people don’t say “Hello” and/or “Goodbye”. So much of this is really predominant for me in the work environment. When I very first started working at my current job (and I’m talking like 4 years ago) I had a team of people who complained that I didn’t say “Hello” and “Goodbye”. None of these people even work here anymore so I don’t feel too bad using this as my example. But let me tell you they were everything else EXCEPT welcoming when I first started working here. WHY would I want to go out of my way to be nice to people that flat out went out of their way to be horrible to me! That first year was rough! I have been managing teams of people for going on 15 years now. So I do have some experience in this area. Let me tell you the people you manage will ALWAYS hold you to a much higher expectation than they hold themselves. But this seems to be a common theme pretty much wherever I go. And if I’m honest I may be guilty of that too, holding my own boss to a higher standard just because they’re paid more or rank more importantly. The same can be said for kids towards their parents and so on.

At the end of the day though shouldn’t we all strive for the same set of basic manners?

1. Say PLEASE when you are requesting something of someone.

2. Say THANK YOU when anyone does something nice for you.

3. YES PLEASE and NO THANK YOU pretty much should go hand in hand.

4. Say HELLO when greeting people or encountering people.

5. Say GOODBYE when leaving.

6. Say SORRY when you hurt someone (emotionally or physically), whether you meant to or not.

7. Hold a door open for someone, be aware of those around you.

8. As mothers let’s teach our boys that there is no such thing as WOMANS WORK!

9. And you know what, sometimes it IS nice to do something to help someone, even if it isn’t convenient for you. It’s just good Karma.

10. Don’t judge someone on the outside, you have NO IDEA what their life is like. Unless they share it with you .. you just don’t know.

11. Treat people how you wish to be treated. That’s a pretty good rule of thumb don’t you think?

With all these things you have to say it and MEAN IT. If you aren’t being sincere then you probably aren’t fooling anyone.

I by no means think I am good at all these things. They are things I strive for when I stop to think about it (or blog about it as it may be). But I think anybody that would sit there and say they do all these things and live all these values, frankly you’re lying to yourself. As a mother these are ALL things that I hope to pass on to my children. It will help them be better friends, better spouses, be respected in the work place and hopefully more successful in life with all of the different relationships they will maintain. Everyone says that Customer Service is going to crap these days. Well doesn’t it ALL begin with an individual? If we all worked to be better at our basic manners wouldn’t it improve everything?

To answer my beginning question, “why do I care?” Hmm .. I guess I care because I want more for us all. We all deserve to be treated better don’t we? We all deserve to feel appreciated.

California vs. Utah

So every time I go back to California I remember all the things that I miss about it. I always ponder what it would be like to be living there with my family now. Would I be taking my kids to the beach every weekend like I did when I grew up? But now that I’ve lived in Utah for so long I realize that there are a lot of things that I would miss about here too. So which is better?

CA has Jack in the Box. I love Jack in the Box. While there is one in St. George, UT it’s clearly not close enough for me to enjoy. HOWEVER, UT has Astro Burger (or Crown, or Apollo). I think I would equally miss Astro Burger. It’s a tie.

CA has nasty traffic!! On our vacation it took us an hour to get somewhere that was only 30 minutes away. This was in the middle of the morning on a weekday! Definitely shouldn’t have taken that long. UT has normal 8am and 5pm traffic. But not massive traffic jams in the middle of the freaking day. UT wins!

UT has nasty highway construction. And frankly in my opinion they are just plain stupid with how they go about scheduling it. I mean really completely shut down the entire main highway on a holiday weekend and then they don’t even sign post the detour very well? CA wins!

CA has great visibility on their highways at night time. They have those great reflectors that mark the road. No matter the weather you can always see where you’re going. UT on the other hand if it merely rains all of a sudden you can’t see the lines on the road. I think this is because the snow plows would rip them up in the winter time, however it doesn’t change that this still sucks. CA wins!

CA has the beach. And it’s FREE!! Now this used to be a hands down win for CA in my book. But that was back when I was comparing this “Pro” to the UT mountains and skiing. Skiing cost money and so in my book although I enjoy skiing the beach still won. However, now my Dad has a boat and we have a trailer. This means that for a minimal cost we get to go boating and camping every other weekend in the summer time. I love that my kids will grow up with this. So now, I have to rule this one .. a TIE.

UT has my family. The end .. UT wins!

UT has school buses. CA you have to walk or get driven. UT wins!

CA has diversity. Now this one is sensitive and it’s kind of a double edged sword. So I shall say no more because I don’t care to unintentionally offend people. CA wins.

CA has some amazing attractions/culture. I’m talking Disneyland (Lagoon does NOT compare), the Children’s Museum in downtown LA (Gateway doesn’t compare), people from every walk of life, many many choices of college (not just U of U or BYU). CA wins.

So all in all I think it comes down to a pretty even comparison. While there will always be things in CA that I miss. Equally if I didn’t live in UT anymore there would be a whole lot that I would miss about here as well. So I guess that means we’re aren’t packing up and moving anytime soon (not that we really could anyway)! But actually really thinking this out helped put into perspective that we’ve got it good here too. CA will always be special in my heart and I will always make it a priority to visit. My kids will get to enjoy the things I love about CA too.

Grocery Shopping

So when we were saving for our big vacation we had (well and still do) a $100 a week budget for grocery shopping.  I was working REALLY hard to stay within budget.  I'm not sure if others are going to think this is a lot or not.  This is for 5 people (plus my mother in law during the week) and we don't really eat out.  Then Jeramie's two boys every other weekend.  And I do believe that 13 year old and 9 year old boys eat more than my husband does!!  I do not look forward to feeding Jackson and Wyland at that age.  This grocery shopping does not include what I spend at Costco each week either, that's a separate budgeted amount.  I've always been a devoted Target shopper for my groceries.  We have a routine every Sunday, I meet my mum and sometimes my brother Mike at Costco, we grab lunch and then shop there and head straight over to Target to do the remaining.  The kids like to come and it always seems to turn into an all day event.  Since my kids don't leave the house for daycare or anything and I'm not home during the day I feel bad that they don't get out all that much so this is how they end up in my shopping cart.  I will also mention that this isn't recommended.  Sometimes I feel like I can't even think when I'm juggling the kids as well.  But if I take all the kids shopping on Sunday then Jeramie cleans the house so it's a good trade.  Anyway, I don't even remember why but for several weekends in a row my mum was out of town and so I was on my own for grocery shopping.  So I got a little crazy and tried some new stores.  Now I've already told some folks about this experience and some do not agree with my findings.  I don't think I buy things that are out of the ordinary. 

Of all the places I shopped I still prefer Target for the shopping experience itself.  However, I ALWAYS go over budget no matter how hard I try.  I know it's because of all the other things they have available there.  This includes the toy section that I usually let my kids choose a "prize" if they are good. The fact that I know the store so well is a big bonus.  But aside from that I don't think of them as "expensive".  I think they're average.  They don't have the killer deals that other places have, but I'm also not willing to drive to 5 different stores each week to pick up just the deal items only.  I always end up with other stuff that more than counters for the money I saved.

Smith's was probably my worst experience of all.  I couldn't find ANYthing.  Now I know that part of it is that I'm not used to shopping there but I wasn't used to shopping at any of the other places either and things were still logically organized.  Smith's on the other hand just didn't have things where you would expect them.  I came in BARELY under budget but definitely paid way more for some things.  I think they have a good bakery department though.  Lots of yummy looking treats, but I can't speak for how they taste.  Their produce section on the other hand seemed really small.

Harmon's is just too expensive.  They have a great variety of stuff and the store is really nice. But everything is expensive.  They do have the best cheeseball in the valley though and I will go there specifically just for that.  I like that they offer me stamps at the checkout too.

Albertson's / A Fresh Market is expensive too.  I would go there over Smith's but I think they're more expensive.  But at least I can find things when I'm there. 

Walmart was pretty decent.  If it wasn't for another store blowing them all out the water Walmart probably would have been the winner.  They are a great alternative.

I had planned to try Macy's but never made it over there.  Maybe one day.

The winner when it came down to it was WinCo!!  It's close to my house and literally on my way home from work, which if I'm shopping without Mum this is very convenient for me.  You just can't beat the prices.  Let me give you an example, Hot Dogs 96 cents!  Big boxes (we're talking the big family size) of cereal $1.98!  And I'm not talking the no-name kind, I got Kelloggs Fruit Loops, Frosted Flakes and Apple Jacks.  Reiser Macaroni Salad $2.38 (normally in A Fresh Market this costs $6.99).  Plus they have a pretty large selection of brands.  There are still some things that I can't get there that I still end up at Target for.  But overall their prices are absolutely ridiculously low for the exact same brands you would buy at Target or anywhere else.  I can't speak for their meat or produce because I buy all that stuff at Costco anyway.  Those prices I quoted they were from this week.

Now while I probably will never religiously shop there every single week because I still enjoy our Sunday routine.  If I ever deviate from the routine I guarantee I'll be at WinCo.  Their prices are outstanding and the quality of the stuff is great.  I've never gone over budget there.  Some other key factors that assist in me controlling my grocery bill is don't take the kids for two reasons.  First they always want me to buy them a toy and it's so hard to say no.  Secondly they distract me from the job at hand and I start making bad decisions and then just rushing to get out of there while not thinking about what I'm doing.  When I shop with a list (because as you know I'm a menu planner) I only get what I need and don't end up throwing lots of stuff away, oh and I don't forget things either.  If I'm alone I do well too, I don't dilly dally looking at stuff I don't need and then end up picking something up.  I'm usually very focused and try to be quick while I do it to avoid distractions of those evil things I don't need.  But it isn't nearly as fun either.  I think perhaps part of the happy medium is I need to convince my Mum to go to WinCo on Sunday's too, then it's the best of both worlds!!  Oh and if I shop on another night on my way home from work then I don't feel guilty for not taking the kids.

Just Being Honest

I don’t like it when people say, “I’m just being honest …”. Or something like, “Well if I were to be honest …” Is it just me? This statement is usually followed by something else that just isn’t necessarily nice. But they are excusing themselves for saying it by indicating that they are just being honest. I don’t understand. Of course we would all like people to be honest with us 100% of the time, in an ideal world. But is it an excuse for being rude? Or hurting someone’s feelings?
I don’t think that it is. Didn’t our mothers also tell us, “If you can’t say something nice, then perhaps don’t say anything at all.”? Mine sure did. I am not perfect. I too have used honestly as an excuse before, but I try not to. I’m more conscious about it now. To take this one step further if you tell someone that you aren’t happy with what they were so graciously honest about then all of a sudden it turns into, “well am I not entitled to my own opinion?” Or perhaps, “Well it’s just MY opinion, you don’t have to agree.” Well again, sure everyone is entitled to their own opinion of course. But should we all so openly share opposing opinions just because we’re entitled to have them? I don’t particularly engage in long drawn out debate sessions. It feels like fighting to me sometimes. I understand there are plenty of people out there that love a good debate (my husband is one of them). But I personally don’t find the experience fun. There usually has to be a winner and a loser. It’s like people are on this crusade to convert you to their way or thinking. I don’t much like to talk about religion or politics, two of my least favorite topics. It’s not that I don’t have opinions on both, I just don’t want to waste the energy defending my position.

Anyway back to the “just being honest”. It’s a fine line really. If someone asks for your opinion then of course you should give it. But doesn’t a real friend take into consideration how a response comes across? I mean a real friend exercises some tact and is careful how they phrase a less than favorable response. I don’t know. Just sharing some thoughts .. I just don’t like that phrase.

So in my OPINION, being HONEST isn’t an excuse to be RUDE. There I said it.